TW's; Suicide, Depression, Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Eating Disorder, Abuse - Emotional, Physical

'Desolation' from my Closure Shoot

Since I can remember I've suffered with mental health issues, and one of the main issues I've dealt with is depression. The earliest memory of knowing I was struggling was way back when I was twelve, and it hasn't got any easier since.  During my most recent relationship, which was abusive, I lost all sense of myself and the protective barrier I shielded myself with from my depression was down. It took over me and it seemed as though there was no way out of it, no chance of ever getting back on my feet. I lost all emotions, I feel nothing but numbness and anger; the only emotion I feel. I made my own shield, but this shield wasn't just against my depression, it was against every other emotion and towards people. For a long time, I haven't felt anything other than the two emotions I previously stated, and I have got used to that.  Recently, or most specifically when the EU Referendum results came in, my life has honestly plummeted. No I am not about to get into a debate, or push my views, that's not what this post is about. But once that result came in, things have changed for me. My Dad is a racist in denial, he says some of the most racist things that I could never even think about, never mind actually say them aloud, and yet he believes there is nothing wrong with what he is saying, and then talks about his disgust for racist's. Oh, the irony. 

'Lead my away from my darkness' - Closure

From that day, he has been worse with his racism, because it's more acceptable apparently now? Like fuck is it. Anyway, me and my Dad got into a huge debate and argument over the things he was saying, in which he was saying because he knew he was making me angry. He proceeded to argue and put his fist up to me, and threatened to throw me out. My friend said something on Facebook about him, and when he found out, he banned them from my house and told me to pack my things. For three weeks, I was confined to two rooms; my bedroom and my office. I didn't eat anything at all for those three weeks, and cured my hunger pangs by drinking plenty of fluids.  Then I left the house and saw Beyonce live, and due to having to stand up for more than five hours, I had to eat, so I started my journey back to eating with soup. The waiter looked at me funny when I said I was finished, with more than half of the soup still in the bowl and half of the bread still on the plate. After that day, I've started eating more, but still not enough and I'm aware of that.  My family have been against me in sorts, with the whole Referendum stuff and because my Dad has a way of spitting words out of his foul mouth and making people listen to him, when all he is doing is putting himself in a good light by putting others in the rubbish. I have been alone, I have been hiding and avoiding everyone as much as I'm able to because it's easier that way. 

'Disenchanted' - Closure

Recently my Dad acted like a child again, early in the morning hitting things against my door whilst I was asleep, after a few hours, I made my annoyance known over Facebook, in which I have my Dad deleted and blocked, but my family members told him about my status and he told me he was going to throw my stuff out with myself included. I am searching for a place to live, because I am living in an abusive household, and I'm sick of walking on eggshells around my own house. I haven't spoken or even seen my Dad for a month now, and we live in the same house.  The second time he threatened to throw me out, I grabbed a few things in my backpack and went for a walk, without a destination in mind. My feet just plodded their way to wherever my body wanted me to go, and when I got there, I realised what my mind was thinking. A place I used to go when I was a teenager, a place I used to go to drink heavily, self-harm and attempt to commit suicide. I have been there twice since to get myself some closure, which I then made into my own 'Closure' shoot.  However, I did not go there this time for closure, I went there for the same reasons my teenage self did. I felt so much, which was a rare occurrence for me. My heart ached, my stomach felt empty, my veins felt as though they were filled with poison and my mind wouldn't stop racing through the thoughts of suicide. I looked through my bag and found I had packed, almost unconsciously a bottle of vodka and disaronno. Without any struggle against myself, I drank half the bottle of Disarrono before I even realised I was drinking it, and when I did, I picked up my phone and posted to my girls that I was in a bad way, and then I phoned my ex, who is thankfully still a friend of mine. They was asleep, not answering their phone calls or texts. I was a teenager again, alone in the woods with a bottle in my hand.  Thankfully I had forgotten my knife, which I cried about of course. When my friend did answer their phone, they calmed me down, talked me out of what I wanted to do, told me I need to get help. I've needed help since I was twelve years old, I just couldn't ever accept it. And who knows, maybe I still won't. I have got a folder of self-help apps on my phone, which have barely been opened. I plan to put my name on the housing list, to give myself the chance to move out, it's all progress, no matter how small it may seem. 

'Calm Intensity' - Closure

But it's a vicious cycle that's hard to get out of. I'm not saying it's one that you can never get off, but to be able to, you really need to work at it; like one of those escape the room puzzle games. You need to find all the right pieces for you, you need to put them together and find your own way out. I'm still finding my own pieces, I'm yet to find the first, but I plan to start looking.  I see myself visiting Closure again, more than once. But I'm in hopes it will truly become a closure to me, and not my escape. 
Sending positive vibes to all of you,  Becky xoxoxo 

achievements Lifestyle Photography

15:15

I couldn't agree with myself on what my first post should be about, but then I thought that maybe I should just introduce myself. So here I go;

My name is Becky, I live in Birmingham, UK. I've lived here all of my life, never once moved out of the city so you can imagine how terrible my accent must be. Ozzy Osbourne is probably the most famous person from Birmingham, his accent is something to go by if you wanted to understand how I speak a little maybe.

I'm twenty-three and have outlived my clubbing days already. So now I spend my spare time writing role-play, watching the crime channel, binge watching shows, watching horror and thriller films, drinking copious amounts of tea, taking way too many selfies, and spending money I don't have.

I've been wanting to create a blog for quite some time now, but have never quite got around to it. Mainly due to not knowing what to write about, and knowing no one will really be that interested in my life; but I'm doing this more for myself than anything else. So I suppose this is another achievement to add to my jar for 2016. I will be blogging about existing achievements and as they happen. 

I'm really easy to talk to, so please get in contact with me if you wish to. 

 Goodbye my loves,

Becky xox 

achievement achievements

15:56